Phir Milenge, India!

Phir Milenge= See you later

Viren, Jane and I

I have officially left India. I was a little sadder than I thought I would be, mostly because I had an incredible final 10 days in my home for the last year.  I am now in Bangkok, Thailand, sipping fresh dragon fruit juice and I just can't complain.  I figured I'd take a few minutes while I hide from the afternoon showers to update you on my final Indian travels.


On my final night in the village, Priya, Zach and I celebrated with a stealth whiskey party in my house.  It was really fun to bring the year to a close this way, although I felt much differently the next morning when I boarded a local bus with all of my luggage and a seriously intense headache.  However, it faded and I arrived in Bombay to my great friends Viren and Jane who took me out for a delicious dinner and drinks.  The rest of the weekend, we celebrated the beautiful weather at some of Bombay's best kept secrets, including an upscale A-list club, Trilogy.  Viren is a sports marketing exec so he got us in and we wined and danced with some Bollywood stars and cricket players visiting India for the World Cup.  In fact, I was personally invited to some matches by a couple Canadian cricketers, which totally made my night. 

Slum school in Bangalore

After a few days eating and drinking well, I took a short flight to the south to visit the Marianist brothers in Bangalore, India.  I was welcomed by Brother Delmar, a 75 year old 5'3'' American brother from St. Louis.  He showed me the city, the Marianists various projects including REDS (Ragpickers Education and Development Scheme), their mission to clean up the city and help those most in need. I visited these tiny schools right in the slums of Bangalore, which try to keep children off the streets during the day.

Marianist chapel with an Indian influence:
home to my daily meditations

Brother Delmar lives with two other Indian brothers in a small bungalow right in the city.  In the three days I stayed with him, I awoke at 6:00 am to meditate and pray with the brothers, something I'm definitely NOT used to. There was also an afternoon and evening meditation and prayer which I  participated in each day. On the first day, I could not sit still with my legs crossed on a mat on the floor.  My mind jumped from one thought to the next and I literally counted the seconds.  But after a few days, I started to get the hang of it and actually really enjoyed it.  What a way to unwind and reflect on my crazy year abroad.

Cricket match! 

Another one of the brother's most time-consuming activities is their nightly ritual of watching cricket.  I have tried to understand this sport the whole year I've been here, but to no avail.  However, with nothing else to do, and thanks to Brother Delmar's careful and detailed explanations, I finally grasped the game.  To celebrate, after a beautiful Indian Catholic mass on Sunday, Brother Delmar took me to a World Cup Cricket game- Kenya vs. Australia!  There is a stadium not far from his house and we were able to get last minute tickets for this Asian-popular sports' tournament. It was so fun to go and see in person how this game is played.  It's quite different from a baseball game.  For instance, cricket matches last on average 8 hours, and some of them last 5 days.  There are 100 innings in a match.  Hitting the ball into the stadium is worth 6 runs and no matter where the ball goes, the fans HAVE to return it.  And instead of an ice cold beer and a hotdog, I snacked on samosas and sugar cane juice! Still, it was such a cool afternoon.


After a couple days in the city, I then proceeded to Deepahali, about 30 km out side of Bangalore, to visit the other Marianist community.  Here, I ran into and visited with some of the brothers I'd met in Africa or at UD.  Out here, it was bliss. So quiet and green and far from the noise of India's busiest city, home to the call centers we use around the world.  Again, I participated in their meditation and prayer, I took long runs in the evenings and enjoyed talking to the young Indian men who are studying to become brothers. My time in Bangalore was utterly relaxing.  I really enjoyed the Indian spin on a Catholic mass. 

Dinner in Bombay with Jane
Viren, Avinash and other friends

After leaving Bangalore, I returned to Bombay on St. Patrick's Day.  Jane and I celebrated with a couple drinks.  The rest of the weekend we continued our exploration of the city, eating and drinking at different fun restaurants.  It was so refreshing to go out and not be stared at and enjoy good conversation with some fantastic people who've lived all over the world.

Zach and I at Holi

On my very last day, Zach came into Bombay to see me off and celebrate Holi Festival with me.  It was amazing. We dressed in our whitest clothing and headed to Juhu Beach to join in the "festival of colors" and throw colored powder at each other.  We were the only foreigners in the area, which was fun because we were adopted into the local celebrations.  After a few hours we were completely dyed and celebrated over a few ice-cold Kingfisher beers.  That evening, still dyed from the day, I boarded my flight to Bangkok.  

Holi! 

It really was an unbelievable end to an unbelievable year- spent with good friends.  Now, I'm in Thailand, on my own, with no hotel reservations and no guide book.  I got a little busy relaxing and couldn't find time to make any plans, but so far, at the end of my second day here, I'm enjoying this personal adventure and I've made some travel buddies to go exploring with.  Now, I'm off to get some fresh street pad thai and have a couple Thai beers. Picture and an update to come soon! 

Incredible India!

Priya, Zach and I with the heads
of ELT@I after our workshop on Sunday.

Today is my last day in my village.  It really seems like it was yesterday when I was arriving in the 110+ degree weather.  Well, maybe that's because it's 110 once again.  Those breezy evenings are gone, the mosquitoes are bigger than ever and I'm back to sweating in the cold shower.  Nonetheless, it's been an incredible year and I'm sad to see it end. 

Ameeta and I with her
Certificate of Completion.

My last few weeks have been filled with completing my big projects, a major teachers' workshop we conducted on Sunday, a few awkward attendances at weddings and lots and lots of farewell dining.  Last week, we held a ceremony and gave our local co-teachers their certificates of completion for a year of training with us.  And Ameeta, my co-teacher improved so much that she was selected to be a trainer next year.  She'll be assigned recent local college graduates and she'll mentor them to become stronger English teachers.  I'm so proud of her and thankful that I had the opportunity to work with her this year! 

Farewell meal with my favorite family.

When moving away, it's considered very rude to leave without a meal with your friends, but I can't complain.  Coincidentally, I'm friends with a handful of people who do eat chicken on the sly, so my goodbye dinners have been nothing short of scrumptious! In fact, I've even sipped on some local whiskey or gin and fresh mango juice. Life's been pretty good these last few weeks.

Cheers to a good year training teachers!
It's Fanta Orange, not champagne.

My year in India has been an adventure, to say the very least. This country and its education system have thrown me challenges left and right.  I've dealt with being a woman in a place where men are far superior, I've handled being an American (white) woman in a rural village where the nearest foreigner resides 300 kilometers away, and I've attempted to tackle an English curriculum that promotes memorization and copying.  It's been a tough year.  But despite the days when I wished I could be anywhere but here, the days when my power's been gone for a full day or I'm warned that a leopard's prowling, I am really grateful for the experience.  I've met some fantastic individuals and I am more certain than ever of the career path I've chosen. And while I'm ready to return to the States and hopefully start grad school in the fall, I am really going to miss this place. 

This will be worth a lot someday!

To bring my blogging to a close, I came up with a list of the lessons I've learned and the things I've accomplished this year...

1. No matter how many hours I spend on Rosetta Stone or with my nose buried in a Hindi Phrase Book, everyone in India is going to think I'm speaking in English when I'm actually talking in what I think is pretty good Hindi.

My veggie scrambled eggs! 

2. I've perfected my signature and successfully signed 1-3 autographs every day. Why they want it so badly, I'll never really understand. 

3. I am a knowledgeable chef in all things egg and can prepare them anyway you like. I recommend my omelet or my veggie scrambled platter.

4. I can adequately mask my intolerance of the spiciness of food when eating at someone's house.  I just explain that Americans sip water after every bite of food. I mean, it's our "culture" and Indian's know not to mess with that. 

5. I am one accomplished mosquito assassin.  Barehanded or with an electric shock device, no mosquito can last more than one sting around me. 

Mosquito racket- resembles my
favorite sport equipment-
the badminton racket.

6. I can appreciate mocktails. As you know, alcohol is illegal in Gujarat, so at all restaurants, they serve mocktails.  I've discovered that they are so sweet and sugary, if you have enough, it gives you a sugar high, resembling a buzz from a couple beers. Sad, but true.

The mango lassi- my most
favorite non-alcoholic drink.

7. I can semi-gracefully run after and hop onto a moving bus or train.  Let's just say if I were an actor, no stunt double would be needed.

8. I'm a walking human Thesaurus.  After a year teaching English to students and teachers who don't speak it, I can now explain a word 500 different ways.  And if my explanations fail, I am also now a skilled stick-figure artist. 

9. I can run 6 miles in 110+ degree weather! Maybe that's why I sweat in the cold showers....

Principal Modi Sir and I on my last day
 at Madhi High School. Look at that saree!

10. Finally, after 1 year, I can wrap my own saree. It's been a long road and my neighbors and the other teachers at school still re-do it for me, but I can make it look decent. 

It's been one hell of a year and it's time to go. But since we live in a global village, and already over 50 of my students have requested my friendship on Facebook, I have no doubt I will remain in constant communication with my friends and family here. One day I hope to return to an English-speaking village! 

My Standard 9 boys on my last day at school.

Wedding Season in India: Part 2

This video shows a wedding procession after the groom has picked up his bride.  The parade was just outside my house.  You may want to reduce your volume before playing it...it was pretty loud!

Wedding Season in India

Name that movie: 


What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season? 
The answer would be, um, wedding season? 


On Friday night, Priya and I were relaxing at home, watching Transformers on my laptop. As you can probably guess, there isn't much in the way of entertainment in a dry Indian village on a Friday night. Plus, I long ago depleted my stash of mini bottles.  However, this weekend I didn't mind too much. With less than 10 days of work remaining, our days have been long and action- packed, so it was nice to have some down time on this quiet, crisp Friday evening. 


About 45 minutes into the movie, we suddenly heard what sounded like a giant rave outside our front door.  We quickly jumped up and went out to the porch to see what the commotion was. Directly in front of our house, in the middle of the street, was a huge parade, including at least 100 people, a truck with four large speakers, blaring Bollywood music, and a horse and carriage, decked out in neon lights.  Inside the carriage was a young man, dressed in white and red, looking very solemn.  At the front of the parade, there were fireworks illuminating the sky in our small village. Priya and I looked at each other in shock.  We really couldn't believe what a wild event we were witnessing.  But what was even more surprising was the fact that this was the third parade we've seen this month. 


Here in India, we are in the midst of wedding season. And the parade we saw was part of the wedding ceremony. I find this quite fascinating and thought I would share a little about this festive season with you.  

Wedding henna

Yes, there is an entire season devoted to weddings, just as there is winter and monsoon season.  Starting in late November and lasting until mid-March, wedding season in India brings roughly 40 million Indians currently living around the world back to their home country to celebrate the matrimony of friends and family. According to a recent news article, approximately 70,000 couples tie the knot each wedding season. There is a multi-billion rupee marriage industry in India, at present.  India is the world' #1 consumer of gold, and the demand for gold, due to dowry, increases, significantly each November. Stationary designers, mehendi (henna) artists and photographers are in high demand all season. My village tailor, Kamlesh, says that everyone who works in his family-owned shop makes at least 14 new wedding sarees each day. And what's even more interesting is that banks, including the India National Bank, will regularly offer loans to families so they can afford to throw the wedding of the village. 

A bride and groom in their wedding wear

Once a wedding has been planned, elaborate and intricately designed invitations are sent out.  It's not unusual to invite the entire village to your son or daughter's wedding. At the wedding, which lasts three days, a feast of Indian thali (tons of different soups, sauces and vegetables) is served and everyone can dig in.  The first night of the wedding consists of dancing, singing and various performances in the form of a talent show, put on for the bride and groom.  The third night is the actual wedding.  The groom is driven, in a parade, to the bride's house, where there is a ceremony welcoming the bride to come live with the groom's family.  In the wedding Priya and I saw the other night, the groom was in a carriage.  A few weeks ago we saw a groom in a white Land Rover, decorated with garlands of fresh flowers.  


As most of you know, the majority of weddings in India are still arranged.  As times have progressed, there are, however, more and more love marriages in which the couples will decide themselves.  Also, as we have match.com, there are marriage arrangement websites, such as http://www.shaadi.com/index.php, in which you enter your caste, mother tongue, religion and a variety of other essential factors.  


In arranged marriages, the parents of the young bride and groom will actually use the following criteria, when considering a match: 

Values and personal expectations: should match (for instance, will the bride seek to build a professional career and pursue higher education)

Age: the groom is usually desired to be older but not by more than a few years

Looks and physical attributes: should be acceptable to the other; for brides, a lighter skin complexion is often preferred; for grooms, height is important and should be at least a few inches taller than the bride

Religion: should be same, and sometimes there is insistence that the sub-denomination should be the same as well

Caste, ethnicity and native language: usually desired to be the same or similar

Diet (veg/non-veg/alcohol/smoking): may differ only if acceptable to the other

Education: comparable educational levels, or the boy should be more educated than the girl

Profession: the profession should be acceptable to the other (the lifestyle implications are often discussed within the family, e.g. for doctors and civil servants)

Financial: The boy's current and future financial and income situation should be acceptable to the girl.

Astrological signs/attributes: should be compatible, if the two families believe in it

Family status: The financial strength and reputation of the family, including the professional and marital statuses of the siblings of the prospective partner.

The groom in his carriage, outside of my house

My co-teacher, Ameeta, is in the process of being matched to a guy.  It's interesting to hear from her about the process, but it's also sad.  She currently has a boyfriend, but he doesn't meet the above criteria and both families have forbidden it. But, Ameeta has a positive attitude because she's accepted her fate. 


Wedding crashing is totally acceptable here. What's another one or two people in a wedding ceremony 1000 people plus? Thankfully, I've been able to witness a few different wedding ceremonies from the comfort of my front porch. But, this week, I am attending a ceremony of a teacher's son and I can only imagine what's in store for me. 

Calamari and Kingfishers

Half way through the first month of 2011, I am pretty happy with my new year thus far.  Relaxed, tan and sufficiently stuffed on enough seafood to last a good while, I am back in the village after quite a vacation.  It all began on New Year’s Eve in Surat, the diamond capital of the world...

Zach and I sipping on blue-dyed apple juice

Immediately after classes ended on December 31^st, Zach and I boarded a bus to Surat, the city two hours away where we catch trains out of Gujarat.  After checking into our favourite hotel, Hotel Dreamland, we headed to the Great Taj Gateway, the nicest hotel in the city and we got the last table of the evening.  In Gujarat, as you know, alcohol is prohibited and meat is also a rarity.  But on New Year’s Eve, the Taj Hotel prepared a feast of chicken, fish, sushi and countless other dishes.  Zach and I ate as if we hadn’t seen food in weeks, only saving room for a few mini bottles.  The hotel served bright blue-dyed apple juice, which we spruced up with a little Everclear and vodka.  After sipping a few strong drinks, we headed outside to the main event, DJ Dev, India’s “hottest” dj.  We danced and brought in the new year with fireworks.  We became celebrities and a handful of Gujarati families requested photos with us.  Overall, the night turned out to be surprisingly fun and very entertaining.

Bright and early on January 1^st, I boarded a train to Mumbai.  I learned a valuable lesson. Do not drink the night before a train ride in India. When I reached Mumbai, feeling a little woozy, I raced across town in a rickshaw to catch my flight to Goa, the south-western coast of India, on the Arabian Sea.  When I arrived in Goa, my friend Viren picked me up at the airport and we went back to his condo.  His two friends, Brussian and Ryan, Viren and I then headed for dinner on the beach.  We ate in the sand, just a few meters from the tide.  What a way to end the first day of a new year...cold beer and fresh seafood!

Red and white prawns! 

For the next four days, the three boys and I followed a simple schedule of sleeping in, heading to one of Goa’s 50 beaches, relaxing, swimming and drinking cold Kingfisher beers, then ending the day at a nice seafood restaurant, ordering usually 10 different plates to share.  I tasted shark, prawns, crab, snapper, lobster, mussels, calamari, and always the local catch of the day.  Incredible food.

My wheels

On the 4^th of January, the boys had to leave and return to work in Mumbai, but Viren was nice enough to give me his condo.  Since the condo is in the capital of Goa, I needed to find some transportation to get to the beach every day, so I rented myself a moped.  For $6 a day, I was able to drive myself around to different beaches.  It took me several days to get used to the motorbike, but somehow I survived.  And I only had two crashes- far fewer than I expected!  The first crash happened as I was driving up a steep dusty hill. I slipped and fell right off the bike.  Two men rushed over, helped me up and proceeded to offer me marijuana.  The second crash was a little more painful- I drove right into a rosebush. Ouch.  Otherwise, I really enjoyed my driving experience. Each day I set out on new adventures, somehow finding my way.  However, driving on Indian roads is not for the faint-hearted.  There was an endless stream of curse-words flowing under my helmet as I whizzed through the winding roads. 

Typical beach shack

Goa is unlike any other place I’ve been in India.  The people are the friendliest I’ve met yet and so laid-back.  Everyone can speak English and the Christian state, once ruled by the Portuguese, is sprinkled with ancient churches and Old Portuguese houses.  On the beaches of Goa, you can see it all... old wrinkly men in thongs, women walking topless and of course the local Indian men strutting around the beach in their tighty-whiteys.  I definitely saw it all. The beaches I visited were always full of bar shacks and restaurants serving the freshest food I’ve ever had.  Indians call people who like tasting new food “foodies.”  Many restaurants had special items on the menu for foodies, which I always tried and loved.  Calamari was a part of each day for me and each place prepared it differently.  My most favourite preparation was in a butter garlic sauce. And the Goan desert of choice is called bebinca, which is a 16-layer cake. Outstanding.   

Getting a bath from an elephant

One day, I decided to take a day off from the beach and I went and toured the Shakari Spice Plantation.  I walked around this forest learning about the different spices we eat in every meal. I learned to make an organic hangover cure as we all as herbal Viagra. In case you’re interested, I have the recipe!  Also, I learned to climb a palm tree with my bare hands and feet! I only made it a few feet high but I think I’ll keep practicing.  After a delicious lunch cooked with the spices, I walked further into the forest to give an elephant a bath.  In shallow water, I scrubbed an elephant’s back with a coconut shell.  Then, I climbed onto the elephant’s back and he filled his trunk with water and gave me a bath! It was one of my favourite days.

Sunset at Palolem

After a week in Viren’s condo, I decided to give up my moped and the condo and move to the southern coast, two hours away.  I went to Palolem, a smaller quieter white sandy beach and I stayed in a small shack 10 meters from the water.  Here, I spent each day reading and lounging on the beach, eating lunch with other travellers, running in the sand at sunset, then finishing my day with another fantastic seafood dinner.  I read several books, swam in the crystal clear waters and really enjoyed the simplicity.  Being on my own was a little strange at first, but I definitely warmed up to it.  I always made friends when I wanted to—friends to lie on the beach with or eat with.  I met people from all over the world and had some great conversation.  I think everyone needs to take a solo vacation at some point.

Goa relaxed me so much that I gave up my other travel plans of heading to the hills to hike.  I just couldn’t leave paradise! But, after 14 days in Goa, I finally made the 18-hour journey back to my village via local transportation.  Unfortunately, I got food poisoning about an hour into my trip, which made the experience all the more interesting.  Now I am recovering at home before I go back to work tomorrow. I can already hear the comments and criticism I'll get for my bronze skin. Sigh. But, I'm in the homestretch. Just 6 weeks remaining!  

The Dog Days Are Over

New sarees!

After a fantastic month in the U.S., visiting friends and family, I am back in India.  Hopefully my visa issues are over and I won’t be deported any time soon.  When I left India, it was 115 degrees every day.  It was so hot that you would still sweat in the shower.  The mosquitoes grew in size daily.  However, while I was gone, winter in India arrived.  Those hot sultry days are gone.  And the “cold” season in India brings with it a lot of changes and a few surprises.

My evening run...sunset

Moments after I arrived in Bombay, I realized things had changed when I saw several men walking around outside the airport, selling earmuffs and ski masks. These salesmen were scattered everywhere when I exited the airport and walked out into sunny, 80 degree Bombay.  Indians were covered from head to toe in winter-wear.  I suppose they are extremely acclimatized to hot temperatures so this is very cold for them.

After 2 flights, 3 trains, a car, a bus and a rickshaw, I arrived back in my village.  Seconds after I dropped my bags in my house, countless neighbours came over to greet me.  “Emilyben, how was your Mommy and Daddy? What did you eat? We missed you! There’s a leopard loose in the village and it has eaten 5 people already!” They proceeded to formally warn me to no longer run my usual route after 6:00 pm because apparently that’s where the leopard has been prowling.  Every night, when I leave for my run, everyone shouts to me in Hindi to be careful and not get eaten.

Snow in a Can!

Merry Christmas Madhi!

Life at school is the same, only everyone’s wardrobes have changed.  Students sit in class in winter coats and gloves and teachers where decorative sweaters (perfect attire for Ugly Christmas sweater parties) over their sarees.  I am still asked for my autograph at least once a day, even though I have been for 7 months.  I am still asked what I ate for dinner the previous night and what I will eat on the given evening.  And everyone has commented on my pale skin (I lost my Indian tan).  Indians idolize pale skin and even apply skin bleaches, so I am quite the celebrity these days.

But my most favourite surprise upon returning to India was to find that it is badminton season here! As many of you know I am an avid player and supporter and once had dreams of going to the Olympics.  Each night, everyone comes out to play-men, women and children.  There are matches occurring up and down the streets between 8pm and 11 pm (apparently the leopard doesn’t hunt badminton players).  And the competitive matches are right in front of my house, so my porch acts as the bleachers for the advanced boys’ teams.  I play every night and only end when the birdie gets stuck on the roof.  Perhaps the 2012 Games are possible?

3 Santas.

Holiday spirit! 

Christmas in the village was interesting.  Since my village is 75 percent Hindu, 24.9 percent Muslim, people really don’t celebrate.  However, thanks to India’s comprehensive holiday schedule, Christmas is recognized as a public holiday, so I did not have school.  On the 24^th, I celebrated at school with my Spoken English class.  We had lots of tasty snacks, a cake which read, “MARRY CRIMAY” thanks to the fine writers at the bakery, and one student even brought “Snow in a Can.” It was really fun to see my students appreciate our American holiday.

Our cake

On Christmas day, Eric, Priya and I took a rickshaw to the next town and feasted on Indian nachos and pizza at our favourite multi-cuisine restaurant.  When we returned, we indulged in some Christmas movies on our laptops while sipping on some contraband mini bottles my family sent me in a care package.  I ended the holiday watching my niece and nephew open Christmas presents, via Skype.  All in all, it was a lovely, albeit mild Christmas holiday.

As the month and year come to a close, I am anxiously awaiting to see what 2011 has in store.  I will be starting my new year in Goa, the southern coast on the Arabian Sea.  I am flying down and spending a couple weeks relaxing on the beach, hiking some foothills and hopefully getting in a quick elephant ride before making my way back up to Gujarat for the International Kite Festival on January 14^th.  As with all of my travels in India so far, I am sure I’ll have some crazy stories to share. Happy New Year!

9 Crazy Nights

My most favourite festival in India, thus far has just ended. Navratri, the festival of nine nights was colourful, entertaining and so much fun. As many of you know, I am not the most coordinated dancer, except for my fabulous rendition of Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire. I am especially challenged when it comes to clapping and dancing, which is what Navratri is all about. My first night was rough. Feel free to watch the video below this post (titled Navratri: Night 1). But with a lot of hard work, sweat and serious determination, I got it down after several nights. Each song lasts 30-45 minutes.  It took me quite a few days to make it through an entire song.  Each night, there are between 5 and 10 songs, depending on the group.  Some of my friends would dance until 4 am each morning! In this post is the video from my last night of Navratri. You may think I look gigantic compared to the other dancers. This is not an illusion. I am a giant. At 5 feet, 9 inches, I tower over the majority of women and men in my village and in most of India, actually. My goal of blending in with the crowd was crushed on my first day here.

Navratri celebrates the Goddess Durga. Each October, for 10 days and 9 nights, everyone celebrates this festival, in various ways throughout India. In Gujarat, where I live, we begin each night with a prayer. Most Gujaratis fast all day and only eat after sunset during the nine days. After prayer, we eat prasad, a sugary sweet including too much sugar, coconut and popcorn. This served as my version of RedBull before the dancing began. Then, it's time to dance. The women start by gathering in a big circle around the alter for the goddess. Garba, the style of dancing in which Indians dance in a circle, clapping at intervals, starts slow (Thank God!) and slowly gets faster and faster. The men join in a little later and really speed things up. In bigger cities, professionals dance so fast you can barely focus your eyes!

Navratri: Night 9.  To see the video, click twice. It will take you to a new page. 

As you can see, I am not garba-perfect yet. But I am learning. I attended every night and had so much fun. My friends were forgiving of my mistakes and stepping on their toes and they really appreciated my efforts to participate in their cultural celebrations. Since Navratri ended, I have been secretly having dance parties in my house to keep up with my new moves. I'm willing to teach you if you're interested!